About your Search

20121101
20121130
STATION
COM 69
LANGUAGE
English 69
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 69 (some duplicates have been removed)
, an october surprise that could bring down obama. and a rocktober surprise that could bring jethro tull to your town! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville,
of america. [laughter] [laughter] who will replace obama. [crowd cheering] >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you nation. [crowd chanting] [crowd cheering] >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. folks our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the colbert report can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage o2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight we are live. [crowd cheering] >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please. >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rude. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point the election too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those too. but it could be a very long night and
. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gentlemen, the colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. ( crowd cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term, he will be whi
-mails but somehow and this is true, last week the obama people just found me. and have been sending me e-mails. of course it just started last week so i've only received 600 of them. (laughter) but one of my favorites was from literary legend and only poet you ever heard of maya angelou. maya wrote-- go! rise up. and let your friends and family in early voting states. go where they can go today. we must make our voices heard. (applause) i know why the cage bird-- no doubt the gop is sending out e-mails from romney pote laureate kid rock. something along the lines of waterer to water, bang a dang diggy diggy diggy tax cuts! fun fact, like the other kids who support mitt romney, kid rock is 41. (laughter) both campaigns are making a huge push, folks, because they know it all comes down to one thing,. >> is it all going to be about voter turnout. >> yes, here and in most of the other battleground state. >> voter turnout is going to mean everything. >> it all comes down to turnout in these final hours. >> it really all boils down to how many voters turn out. >> stephen: there is a lot of tec
here it is your moment of zen. >> hi. i thought obama would be buried in a landslide. instead i've been in a ( laughter ) ( applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are you people doing here? shouldn't you be out celebrating? ( cheers and applause ) because evidently, you don't listen to anything i say! i've been bringing you the truth for seven years, and how do you repay me? four more years of hopi-change. ( applause ) what do you think? what do you think? you think i do this night after night for your amusement? i do it for america. what's the point? ( cheers and applause ) ( sighs ) ( laughter ) >> who the win the $10,000 prize? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, um, all right, fine. all right, let's-- ah, let's do this. um, so, if i have to, i have to. let's talk about the big election. la
supporting barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio
smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told the moderator who works at pbs, i'm going to throw your ass out on the street, old man! you-- (cheers and applause) you, not only you-- but all those freeloading muppets. that takes not just one ball, but two, two enormous balls! (applause) but, folks, as much as i enjoyed the triumph of the will
obama was re-elected president. though-- ( cheers ) ( applause ) uh. ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, keep in mind, keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. it was like a 51-49er, okay. just because obama won the blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? romney won all that red stuff. why don't we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. louisiana, n'awlins loves mi-rawmnah. but, but, evidently, here's the deal. of the nine key swing states, balm won eight. i don't-- i mean how-- even pennsylvania. despite the fact that after a week of hurricane sandy, thousands of amish remain without power. ( applause ) anyway, anyway, obama won. america is done. it's over! jimmy, roll the credits. ♪ ♪ ( "america the beautiful beauti) ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you, folks, there's a simple reason why america is over. because last night's election wasn't decided by real americans. >> it's a changing country. the demographics are changing. it's not a traditional america anymore. and t
was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools, according to his aides, because he doesn't drink. >> colbert: yes. that is true. that is true. you should know that. only people who drink know how to sit on stools. that's why, whenever you see someone successfully sitting on one, that is an early sign of alcoholism. seek hel
that obama has done nothing to stop. >> we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. we're four years closer to a nuclear iran. >> yes. four years after obama was elected, four whole years have passed. (laughter) the president did nothing to stop the march of time (laughter) not only is iran four years closer to a nuclear bomb, if you think about it, everybody is. even me! (cheers and applause) admittedly, i'm still far away. the mentos and diet coke stage. but still. (laughter) and, folks, mitt laid out his prosecution of the president's weak leadership. >> four years ago the president began what i called an apology tour of going to various nations in the middle east and criticizing america. i think they look at that and saw weakness. >> nothing governor romney just said is true. >> yes it is! (laughter) you apologized. not only that, you bowed to leaders all over the world! that is not presidential! f.d.r. never bowed to foreign leaders. (laughter) he never even stood for them! (laughter) but obama -- (cheers and applause) -- obama, obama will bow to anyone! hell, after the debate he bowed
by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> obama! obama! >> you didn't build that. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch of snagle-toothed, spotted dick-eating union jackoffs telling america the number of directions we can go in. ( cheers and applause ). but i will gi
this and he deserves great credit. >> stephen: oh, come on! you're praising obama just because he declared new jersey a disaster area? johnny carson did that for 30 years! (laughter and applause) hay-oh! thank you, michael. stay dry up there. folks, it's one week before the election and christie is praising a democrat. what's next? a democrat praising christie? it's unnatural! it's like kissing your sister! which, by the way, will be federal law if obama is reelected. (laughter) then today christie and obama went on a tour of hurricane damage. barack obama stole mitt's date to disaster-prom! folks, none of this surprises me. none of it! (cheers and applause) none of this surprises me. hurricanes have a well-known liberal bias. first katrina tainted george bush's presidency. then isaac wiped out the first day of the republican national convention. now hurricane sandy. sandy, what kind of name is that? are you a dude storm or a lady storm? oh, big surprise, just when obama needs a boost, who shows up but a gender-ambiguous weather system, a category 5 by cure cane. (laughter) hey, hey, don't get
the showdown over raising our debt ceiling when republicans wanted spending cuts and obama wanted to raise taxes. which led to a budget crisis that congress solved by not solving it. (laughter) instead, they handed it over to something called "the supercongress" which couldn't fail because it was super. (laughter) unfortunately it was also congress so it failed. (laughter) and as a result -- (applause) as a result -- (applause) as a result, folks, we are facing another thing called sequestration which at first sounds like rationing the amount you can watch "sea quest." (laughter) but it's even worse than that. (laughter) sequestration is automatic spending cuts that both sides agree would trigger a new recession. it's like congress put a gun to the economy's head and swore it will pull the triger if congress doesn't put its own gun down. (laughter) it's kind of like a mexican standoff without any mexicans. (laughter) of course, obama's answer to this budget crisis is to raise taxes on the wealthy just because he ran on that promise. and won the election. (laughter) it's like he's totally d
because people often compare obama to lincoln. do you think there's a comparison between the two? >> oh, yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: what? what? they're both from illinois? what? >> both from illinois. >> stephen: so was capone, go on. (laughter) >> i feel that the connection is obama a progressive centrist, as lincoln was. they both believe in government. >> stephen: lincoln was a republican, though. lincoln was a republican. >> a different kind of republican. >> stephen: still, "r" next to his name. >> that's the case. >> stephen: and i don't think obama could pull off the look. in a stove pipe mat maybe, but if he had that beard he'd look so much like the rent is too damn high guy. (cheers and applause) tony, thank you so for joining me. tony kushner. the movie is "lincoln." go see it! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "report," everybody.
to support president obama. i have a pennsylvania line in my speech an captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and
toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty calls. folks, i think this study is bull. and cnn knows it because they pulled the article saying it did not meet their editorial standards. damn straight. this study is offensive. all women are like mindless hormone zombies following pheromone trails like so many worker ants to the poles? no, come on, it's the 21st century. women don't make decisions based on what's down here. they make decision on what's up here. the shape of their skulls, okay. (laughter) you see phrenology tells us that if women lack a prominent occipital ridge, okay, right across this area, that means they eschew causality, a propensity seen here in the skull of this octoroon murderer. okay, now of course the simplest way to predict a woman's political leans, throw them into the river. if they float, then-- (cheers and applause) and speaking of witches, folks, halloween is right around the corner. but unf
. the national guard is assisting the jersey shore. governor chris christie and president obama have been strategizing together on the cleanup. and joe biden is using his teeth to illuminate hoboken. folks-- (cheers and applause) lovely set of choppers. now folks we've all been affected by the storm. even me. yes, i still have power at both my office and my home and my other home. and gas and heat and phone service and my t1 line is still lightning fast. and my toast certificate still making top-notch toast. but i did have to take in my neighbor allen after he lost power. i set him up on a cot in the gar achblingt he should feel right at home surrounded by all of his tools i have borrowed. (laughter) i told him-- (applause) i told him if he gets cold just start the car. (laughter) but folks, that is nothing compared to the ordeal i went through this morning. you see, mayor bloomberg's letting only cars with three or more passengers cross the bridges and tunnels into manhattan. an of course normally it's just me and my driver hector. so this morning i had to-- i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i'm sor
. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title of chapter five anaconda-- (laughter) >> stephen: may not refer to a ground offense any afghanistan. whole different type of surge. (laughter) well, folks, this explosive revelation puts every biographer and subject under suspicion. meaning we can now say with some certainty that dora concerns goodwin banged abraham lincoln. i mean just listen-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: just listen to what she said on my show last week. >> it's sexy, don't you think? >> stephen: you mean lincoln or daniel-day lewis. was lincoln sexy? >> i think so and i've been saying it for years but everybody thought i was crazy. >> stephen: you pulitzer prize winning wh
about liars? >> it's a choice between he and obama and i thought for my children and grandchildren's future he was less of a problem than the president was. >> people are saying the conservatives are living in this bubble where we just talk to each other and don't believe in reality and we've got to get outside the bubble. do you believe we're just talking to each other and live in a bubble or do we believe in reality. >> i wrote a piece for politico that ha said republicans and conservatives should stop and analyze this election and think it through because we were wrong and sometimes you have to confront reality and you have to ask yourself why was it different than i thought it would be? i'll give you just one example. romney did worse with asian americans than with latino americans. now, nobody on the republican side looked at that and thought about it. that should be very troubling. and, you know, you don't go to a wal-mart or a costco or target and say "the customers are really stupid, they picked the wrong store last week." you go and you say "what is it i didn't understand
of msnbc election night coverage. they were the first to call the race for obama back in january. please welcome rachel maddow. (cheers and applause) rachel, good to see you again. thanks for coming on. all right. young lady. >> yes, hello. >> stephen: feeling good? feeling good over there. >> i love election season every year no matter what happens. >> stephen: have you gotten any sleep? >> you know how the night-- no, i haven't. but you know, you stay up all night and the next day are you sort of fine but then the day after that your brain turns to pudding. i have pudding brain today. i can't think. i'm very tired. >> stephen: i don't even understand where you just said. >> see. that's the problem. >> stephen: now are the host, you were the host of the rachel maddout broadcast every-- night of the week. you're also author of the book drift, all right, its unmooring of the american military. enough of that. all right. still me what it was like election night over at msnbc. okay when you guys knew that obama was going to win. was it just crazy over there? was chris matthews like running
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 69 (some duplicates have been removed)

Terms of Use (10 Mar 2001)